Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Rubber Ducky, You're the One

We just moved into a new house, in a new town, in a new state.  My husband has a new job, my kids are in a new school. Most of the new stuff is great. Some will take some getting used to.

One new thing that I have seamlessly embraced is my soaking tub.  I love taking baths in that thing. I easily take two or more baths a week.  They slow me down, warm me up, and pull me away from everything going on on the other side of the door.   Which is now in Ohio and can be especially overwhelming at times.

I can hear all the unbelievers (men) now:  Gross! Why would you want to take a bath?  It takes so long! Bathing is basically basting in a tub full of your own filth!

Excuse you.

1. I (like every woman) do not create filth in any shape or form.  When I sweat it smells like raindrops on a rose.

2. I soak in the tub before I wash up.  At night.  I shower in the morning like a normal person.  Please.

3. I maintain it is WAY easier to shave EVERYTHING (not like everything, everything, but everything you want to) in a tub.

MEN: why are you particularly prissy about bathing?  Here's my theory:  you don't like it when your junk floats up and around in the bath water.  It makes you nervous.  Or vulnerable.  Like you're not in control of your penis or something.

Get over it!  Baths are great.  And besides, this problem seems easily rectified: hold on to the darn thing.  I know you like to do that and it would probably make the bath even more enjoyable.

I joked with my husband recently that in church, the answer to any question is usually "Jesus."  And in relationships with men, the answer is usually "penis."

What do you want to do tonight?  Penis

What do you have in your hand?  Penis

Why are you fidgeting so much?  Penis

Why don't you like taking baths?  Penis

WOMEN: Encourage your men to take baths.  Modeling is a great way to introduce a new activity. Show them the joy of steaming water, flickering candles, cool red wine and a glossy magazine.  They won't mind. If your tub allows, invite your man to join you.  And then jump out, point at his bobbing junk and laugh!

No, don't do that.

EVERYONE:  Don't be scared.  Try (or retry) something new this week.  Like baths!  I've been forced to do lots of new things because of the move and it's refreshing.  You can do it too!  Step out of your comfort zone and allow your real or metaphorical penis to float for a change.  Vulnerability is where the growth is.

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