If this were his first great-grandchild I would definitely tell him. I would want him to know that his legacy would live on beyond the three women currently in his hospital room. My sister and I watched our mother fumble to find an outlet in which to plug her father's electric razor.
I watched my grandfather slowly run it over his face. I didn't want to upset him by telling him. Of course, the pregnancy was happy news, but I was worried it would only make him sad. He would have to know he would never meet the baby growing inside of me.
He soon grew tired of holding up his arm to shave. As my mom took over my cell phone rang. More worried about breaking hospital policy than receiving the call, I dove into my bag for the device. As I silenced it, I noticed it was my mother-in-law's number. These days we talk regularly on the phone, but that day I knew it was important that I answer.
"Hello?" I whispered as I headed for the hallway.
"Kristin, it's Bette Rae. I can't get a hold of Zach so I called you."
"Yeah, he left his phone charger in..."
"Kristin. Liz died this morning in a car accident. Bill and I are on our way to Kentucky right now."
I literally slid my back against the wall and sat down hard on the linoleum. After a brief back and forth with Bette Rae, the tears came quickly. I clutched the cell in my right hand and my bag against my chest with my left right there on the hospital floor. I glanced down to the nurses station fully aware that my silent sobs would draw attention if someone saw. No one was there.
I twisted my posture to peer back into Papa's room. I wouldn't tell him about this either. I made eye contact with my sister and she was quickly by my side.
Two days later, Zach flew alone to Kentucky to sit with family and say goodbye to our 19 year-old niece. He said he felt a peace.
Two days after that, I drove alone to the hospice to sit with family and watch for death to call our 83 year-old grandfather. He was finally at peace.
We did not name our new daughter after either Papa or Liz. That is a burden too great for a baby. She is a blessing just as she is. Though neither Papa nor Liz knew she was to come those who mourned them did. Of course, she is not a remedy or a replacement, but I have to think sharing the news of her brought some peace.
beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteThanks, babe.
DeleteThis is so beautiful. My grandma passed away two years ago, and my sister found out that she was pregnant the day after the funeral. Nine months later she had a baby girl she named for my grandma, and my mom and my aunts are 100% sure that the baby was a gift from my grandma (their mother) since she could no longer be around herself. That thought - and the baby - brought a huge comfort to them as they mourned the loss of their mother.
ReplyDeleteThis was a little over two years ago, too. In your sister's case I definitely would have named my little girl after grandma. What a wonderful way to remember her.
DeleteThat must have been such a hard decision to make. I was crushed when I heard of my grandmother's death - I was 8 weeks pregnant and hadn't told her about it, and I was so sad that she would never know my joy. Unfortunately, I lost the baby that same week, but the experience made me want to be much more open if I'm ever pregnant again. I understand your decision not to tell your Papa, but the thought that I could lose anyone I love at any time makes me feel that much more strongly about sharing my joys with them.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your losses. As you could probably tell, we knew for at least a short time that Papa was not long for this world. I do not regret my decision not to tell him. He knows now :)
DeleteMy grandmother died knowing I was pregnant with my twins (I was 28 weeks along and measuring 40 weeks, only a blind person would not have known), but she didn't know about my brother's daughter, my cousin's daughter, or the cousin that conceived the night of the funeral. One of my twins is named for my grandmother, something I told her and no one else until they were born. She was happy to know that.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the loss of your grandmother and your niece, but happy for the birth or your baby.
What a legacy your grandmother has left behind! I think it is awesome that she knew she left a namesake as well. Thank you for your condolences. This happened a little over two years ago.
DeleteBeautifully written. What a bittersweet time.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It really was. Clearly, it is still on my mind.
DeleteUgh, what a tough, tough time. :(
ReplyDeleteWord. Tis life, though. Bittersweet at time like Stacie said above.
DeleteThis is such a lovely post. Thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading it, for sharing in it with me.
DeleteIt's like that song says: "To everything, there is a season." One life ends and another begins. My friend's sister married someone last year with terminal cancer. He just passed away, and she just found out she is pregnant. There's tragedy, hope, and beauty all rolled up into those lives.
ReplyDeleteOh wow. I love to hear these stories though, as bittersweet as they may be. I wish your friend's sister well.
DeleteWhat a poignant, emotional story. Well told.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm trying to work on being more honest yet concise in my storytelling. I appreciate the feedback.
DeleteAfter the recent passing of my father -- I hate death with a passion. I'm sorry you lost Liz at such a young age. Like you ended this post, the best we can hope for is to have peace at the separation. Well-written.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog as well and do not blame you. But yes, we must look for the peace. I believe it is always there, somewhere. Thanks for reading.
DeleteWhat a poignant mix of emotions. I am so sorry for your losses and your pain, especially at a time of great joy and anticipation. Thank you for sharing your process and your story.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing in it with me by reading and responding.
DeleteHow sad. I like your comment about the name being too heavy a burden for a baby. It's usually thought of as an honour, but it could cast a shadow as well.
ReplyDeleteI think it can be an honor, for sure. In this case though it would have been too much...for me, too.
DeleteWhat a lot for your family to bear in such a short amount of time! Times like that life gets overwhelming, but it is reassuring in a way to also know that life goes on and babies will be born. :)
ReplyDeleteIt was a crazy month. I am grateful that my pregnancy was far enough along that we felt free to share our good news. It felt strange, but it was right.
DeleteOmg, this is amazing!! Very well-written...
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am glad you enjoyed reading it.
DeleteWhat a poignant post! The ends and beginnings of lives are so fragile and amazing and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSo true. Thanks for reading.
DeleteI'm so sorry about your losses. How difficult that is for you to go through. I was pregnant with my middle boy when my grandfather passed away. Baby was born two weeks later. I couldn't bring myself to name the baby after my grandfather. The wound was too fresh. I also agree with you, the name could be a burden.
ReplyDeleteI do think that sometimes it is a great honor to be named for someone, of course. But, yes, it was too soon for us too.
DeleteGreat post. I'm sorry for your losses. It's so difficult when the happy times mix in with the sad times.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It was truly a tough time, but it changed me for the better, I hope.
DeleteThis was very well written and quite touching. I am sorry for your loss but the baby, well children are one heck of a blessing.
ReplyDeleteIt must have felt like quite a roller coaster ride then.
I appreciate your feedback very much. Yes, my kiddos are everything to me and give my life meaning in the deepest sense.
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